I'm not gonna lie. Its rough here in the house. I don't understand the why's? of all this. I have loved this man from the tender age of 21 (what? it is a TENDER age, ha) and now I'm ... 43. That's a long time to spend with someone. Over half my life with this man. As his friend, his lover, his partner. I love him truly, deeply. I still wear my wedding rings, the vows we took mean the world to me. So why then is he living at the farthest point in this house away from me?? I ask myself this over and over.
DISCLAIMER: I snore. And it has to be incredibly annoying to him that it happens all night long. Often keeping him awake. He is a night owl and has a hard time sleeping. I'm pretty sure he finds this as a bonus.
I keep telling him that he is angry with me and he keeps insisting that he isn't. I asked him to please move out if he has no intentions of being with me. He hasn't left. Instead he got a toilet for free. I'm going to guess here that he plans to install it in the basement in the proximity of his room. (I think I shall dub thee man cave!)
I brought him some folded laundry (which coincidentally he brought up mine from the basement) and he had a tape measure in his hands.
NEWS FLASH: I got a glimpse inside his room. The LOCKED room. Surely you remember. He has had a white board for a couple of years now and I love to see the different things he puts on them. Sometimes a to-do list, sometimes pictures my youngest has drawn and right before he moved downstairs, he was tracking his weight loss. Anywhoodle, I saw he had drawn those dice that would hang over your rear-view mirror (year's ago) and above it was written No Dice. There was other stuff on it but he didn't want me there so the door closed in like 10 seconds. (Note To Self: Find the damn key)
In general he just stays away. He comes upstairs when we are sleeping and uses the kitchen. He will text me questions or, this week, he expressed frustration when the bank eats his atm card. I have no idea when he showers but I definitely see him at least once a day. He jogs. Never in the 21 years I have known this man, has he ever jogged. He also gave up sugar completely. He only has it occasionally.
I just bought a dozen Dunkin Donuts so I'm pretty sure the occasion has arrived. But otherwise he is vigilant about it. No coffee. Only tea. He did a complete colon cleanse. He is eating fruits, fiber, lean meats, eggs. He bought 1% milk. Ick. Course he is in killer shape to boot. Which he was anyway but even more so now. And it doesn't matter that its getting cold, he stills lays out in the sun, listening to his ipod on the warm days, so he is still tan. He shaved his head. Which, of course, I love that look on him. He hardly looks me in the eye these days ...
.... he's is emotionally unavailable to me and it sucks. I'm relying on a double dose of antidepressant (doctor's orders) and xanax, daily if needed.
I need.
It seems all I can do is think about it. And get sad. Then my self-esteem deflates a little. And I sleep. I wake up feeling better but go to work and face even more uncertainty and changes, things that make me want to just walk away, throw in the towel. But work will distracts me and the drugs are definitely helping.. But I have moments when it really feels like my heart is hurting. Like now.
I think I'm going to go to sleep.
DISCLAIMER: I snore. And it has to be incredibly annoying to him that it happens all night long. Often keeping him awake. He is a night owl and has a hard time sleeping. I'm pretty sure he finds this as a bonus.
I keep telling him that he is angry with me and he keeps insisting that he isn't. I asked him to please move out if he has no intentions of being with me. He hasn't left. Instead he got a toilet for free. I'm going to guess here that he plans to install it in the basement in the proximity of his room. (I think I shall dub thee man cave!)
I brought him some folded laundry (which coincidentally he brought up mine from the basement) and he had a tape measure in his hands.
NEWS FLASH: I got a glimpse inside his room. The LOCKED room. Surely you remember. He has had a white board for a couple of years now and I love to see the different things he puts on them. Sometimes a to-do list, sometimes pictures my youngest has drawn and right before he moved downstairs, he was tracking his weight loss. Anywhoodle, I saw he had drawn those dice that would hang over your rear-view mirror (year's ago) and above it was written No Dice. There was other stuff on it but he didn't want me there so the door closed in like 10 seconds. (Note To Self: Find the damn key)
In general he just stays away. He comes upstairs when we are sleeping and uses the kitchen. He will text me questions or, this week, he expressed frustration when the bank eats his atm card. I have no idea when he showers but I definitely see him at least once a day. He jogs. Never in the 21 years I have known this man, has he ever jogged. He also gave up sugar completely. He only has it occasionally.
I just bought a dozen Dunkin Donuts so I'm pretty sure the occasion has arrived. But otherwise he is vigilant about it. No coffee. Only tea. He did a complete colon cleanse. He is eating fruits, fiber, lean meats, eggs. He bought 1% milk. Ick. Course he is in killer shape to boot. Which he was anyway but even more so now. And it doesn't matter that its getting cold, he stills lays out in the sun, listening to his ipod on the warm days, so he is still tan. He shaved his head. Which, of course, I love that look on him. He hardly looks me in the eye these days ...
.... he's is emotionally unavailable to me and it sucks. I'm relying on a double dose of antidepressant (doctor's orders) and xanax, daily if needed.
I need.
It seems all I can do is think about it. And get sad. Then my self-esteem deflates a little. And I sleep. I wake up feeling better but go to work and face even more uncertainty and changes, things that make me want to just walk away, throw in the towel. But work will distracts me and the drugs are definitely helping.. But I have moments when it really feels like my heart is hurting. Like now.
I think I'm going to go to sleep.
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