Sunday, September 30, 2012


Part of what I don't like about the weekends is that it gives me plenty of time to think.  I think about how awful our financial situation is right now.  I think about how the shit hit the fan in my marriage.  I think about my future, alone.  I worry for my kids.  And I try to make an effort to get ready for the upcoming week and faking pretending to those who come in contact with me that my life is just fine.

That is a tall order these days.  I never really understood the term crushing depression, until all this happened to me.  Now I get it.  Now I know what its like to feel paralyzed inside.  To feel like the figurative wounds in my big heart are open and bleeding.

This weekend my husband and I attended a party together.  It was a birthday/after hours bash that I wasn't going to go to a couple weeks ago.  I told my husband that he could go by himself.  Then I thought better of it.  I'm not going to let his actions control mine.  So I went and took my youngest.  I offered a ride to my husband but he wanted to go in his own vehicle.  Which was fine.  I like to be on time or early for everything, he does not.

I hung out with the other mom's and they have no idea what is going on.  Very few people do.  He doesn't tell and neither do I.  So when I get asked when he is coming, I just say he'll be along shortly, even though I don't know for sure.  This time when I'm offered a drink.  I say yes.

It's been a good six years since I've had any sort of alcoholic drink.  I was told recently I seemed like I was very against drinking.  That surprised me.  I'm not that way at all.  My sobriety was only so my husband would stay sober.  He has chosen to no longer do that, so why should I?  Why did I give it up for him?  Why did I sacrifice so much of myself, for him?  I still wonder about that and I probably always will.  There is something to that whole love is blind thing.


I had a couple glasses of wine.  I do like wine.  It was nice to sit and drink with everyone.  Drinking is very much a socially acceptable thing and for years I sort of watched from the outside.  But now I'm back in and its not so bad.  I had two cups when my husband arrived.

Cute as ever.  I don't think I will ever get tired of looking at that man.  He is just so handsome.  He has these striking blue eyes.  He is always one of the tallest in the room, at 6' 2".  I watched him take a bud lite out of the cooler and crack it open.  I know he was uncomfortable that I was there.  He stood in areas that blocked his view of me and was strategically always on the opposite side of the area from where I was.  All. Night. Long.  I noticed he didn't even wear his glasses.  I almost want to say he did that on purpose so he couldn't see me.

I wonder what he thinks about my declaration last week.  I told him to look me in the eye (and he did) and I said flat out that I don't care if he drinks.  Its his life.

I said that same thing, when one of the Mom's that knows he doesn't drink asked me about it.  More importantly she asked me how I felt about it.  These people are so very nice and so much fun to be with and hang around, there isn't anything fake about any of them.  I had thought we would actually get to have couple friends for a change, something we have never had.  Little did I know we would have them, while we were separated.

So I told the Mom that it was his choice.  That I cannot control his actions and that since he wants to drink, there is no reason why I shouldn't drink too.

I made myself a rum and coke.  The hostess made it a point to show me how she had bought two 2-liters of it for me.  Then she showed me where the rum was. I made myself a drink.

Rum and coke is was my husbands favorite drink.  I never really understood why.  I've heard men call it a sissy drink.  Its been a looong time since I made a drink for myself.  I had no idea how much rum to put in it.  First one I did came out just right.  The second one was TOO STRONG.  I drank it anyway but diluted it with more ice and coke.

All us Mom's did some dancing.  Did alot of dancing.  Did alot of laughing.  I don't think it could have been more fun.  Really.  All things considered.

As I watched my husband talked to the various husbands of the Mom's I was hanging out with, I have to say I loved seeing him in a social setting.  Seeing him interact with people and enjoy himself.  Beer in hand. (I saw him drink at least eight)  Was good.  I know he feels even more alone with me gone (even though that was his decision) and now he is trying to build a life for himself.  It is good to see.

At the end of the night, my youngest was ready to go.  I said my good-byes and he stayed.  I have no idea what time he came home.

Is this my new life?  Is this how its going to be?  If so, I hate it.  I hate that there is so much out of my control.  Its all so confusing.

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