Have Your Head Served To You On A Platter

I lost it today, people. Lost it. I owe someone an apology and I feel bad.

Here's the story.

I work with a guy who cares. Actually I work with all guys and most of them care. I don't share my personal life with them because ... well ... most men are fixers. And I do not need my life fixed (I do have a man for that and he does just fine). So I keep quiet. I carry a lot of stress around with me.

I hide it well. I know this. I am maxed right now, in case any of you were wondering.

Cars are a hot button topic for me. (note to self: it's okay that cars are a hot button topic, everyone has something) I have had five cars in my 39 years. My first three were totaled , in accidents that I had nothing to do with. (see the above reference on the man that does just fine, fixing stuff) My fourth car had been in an accident prior to being sold to me. The frame was welded and it drove kinda funny but because HELLO I am lacking in experience with cars, we paid too much for it, we made costly repairs to it and in the end it was hazardous due to the weld coming apart. (thankfully our mechanic showed us it and insisted we trade it and never drive it again). My fifth car is my jeep. Bought brand new. My baby. I pink puffy heart it.

I've already been told that the steering box (a non-warranty covered item) will need to be replaced at some point. To the tune of $1000.

What I'm glazing over here is my past with cars. It's ugly. They breakdown on me, at the worst time or I am taken advantage of by mechanics that new I had no clue, etc. I could tell story after story of my poor luck with cars.

There are many "whys" but there is no excuse for my behavior today.

Ok, back to the guy who cares. I probably share more with him than anyone in the office. There are no women so I have to chat with someone. We've had our ups and downs and on my bad days it bothers me on many levels that I feel I don't meet his expectations ... but that's a post for another day.

Boy can I beat around the bush or WHAT?

He went out to get the mail. After he leaves, he usually calls me, about something he forgot to tell me or sometimes I call him to ask him a questions. My point is, it's not unusual for us to call each other.

He called me after he left.

Him: Did you know you've got this splatter like stuff on your jeep?
Me: Well ... I know it needs to be cleaned.
Him: No, it looks like something sprayed on the lower part of it.
Me: I have no idea what you are talking about but I do know it's DIRTY.
Him: Well I guess, did you also see you've got a dent in your door?
Me: YES, I saw that. It's been there.
Him: Oh ok, I was just letting you know.
Me: Thank you.
Him: You know when you wash it you should clean your wheels.
Me: Yes, we've already discussed that, I plan on doing it, today ok?
Him: Ok.

So I'll admit, I'm annoyed. I lied. I didn't notice any dent. I needed something from my jeep so while he was gone, I went out to check it.

Sure enough there was splatter on the passenger's side. (the side I don't see) It looked oily. It mixed in with the dirt. My wheels, filthy. Poor jeep. I didn't see any dent. THANK YOU GOD!

I left before he returned. I had to take my daughter to an ortho appointment. I came back and was doing my work when he mentioned going to lunch. Which he did. And when he came back, he said this.

Him: I think you need to take a look at your jeep.
Me: I went out there and looked, I saw the splatter. I have no idea what it is.
Him: I see puddles now. Two of them.
Me: WHAT?
Him: I'm just saying.
Me: Ok, whatever.

Later on in the day, actually about twenty minutes before I needed to leave. He went outside. Then came back in.

Him: (pointing his finger at me, curing it, in a come-here fashion)
Me: What?
Him: You need to come outside now and look at your jeep.
Me: Why?
Him: I checked the wheel wells and I want you to see them.
Me: (gigantic eyeroll, while throwing my head and hands up) OH MY GOD!
Him: I think you need to see it.
Me: WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY JEEP NOW!
Him: I think you need to come out and see.
Me: I am not going out there to look at it. I'm all set. (said in the most annoyed tone possible)
Him: Okay .... (walks away offended)

Now I'm pissed and annoyed. I don't need this. I don't need this right now. My jeep having problems. I don't need MORE to worry about. I go out there and I see two small puddles on either side of my wheel-well on the passenger side. I have no idea what it is.

My steering leaking? Maybe. My brakes? He thinks so.

He told me before I left that he's worried. Which is nice and kind, he's concerned. But why am I so fucking annoyed then? Oh yes, HOT BUTTON. HOT BUTTON. HOT BUTTON.

I drove it home, it was fine. I washed it. Washed the wheels. It's fine. I even jammed on my brakes a few times (not on purpose, but actually because I wasn't paying attention and didn't want to ... you know... hit the car in front of me) and they work. The same as they have been working.

I had my man look at it. He's worried too. He can't figure it out. He thinks I drove through something, maybe.

Or it's the steering box.

All I know, is I had some serious attitude and I directed it at someone who really didn't deserve it and now I'm sorry. I'll fix it tomorrow. And make an appointment for my jeep.

WTF?