Friday, October 26, 2012

The Numb Effect

Part of the damage control that I put into place when my husband decided he no longer wanted to be my "plus one" was to make an appointment with my doctor.  I use the term "my doctor" loosely because I had never met this doctor.  I was transferred over to her because my own doctor had decided to go into a nursing home environment and no longer be a general practitioner.  That in itself sucked.

But what can you do.  So I went.  So sad.  So brokenhearted.  My current dose of antidepressant a total joke to my battered emotions.  I explained my situation.  This new doctor couldn't have been more sympathetic.  She commended me on already seeing a therapist and she encouraged me to seek a support group.  Then she readily doubled my antidepressant and wrote me a script for my anxiety that was a defcon level five.

I took that potentially habit forming anxiety medication EVERYDAY.  Every morning I would look at the bottled and curse my dependence on a pill to get me through the day.  But it worked.  I wasn't crying.  I wasn't sending sappy dripping text messages to a man who wanted no part of me.  I was able to cope.

Last week I must have reached therapeutic levels for my antidepressant because I woke up on a Monday and it was like a thick layer of salve had been put on along with a cushy band-aid.  I no longer even thought about the anxiety pill I was taking.  I forgot all about them and their addictive qualities.

It got me thinking about the wonders of drugs and how they can make you numb.  Make it so you don't feel the gut wrenching pain of your heart breaking.  Makes so you can get through the day and not cry your eyes out over what will never be.

I can now be in the same room with him and not loose my shit.  I don't feel the need to seek him out and yell at him about something trivial.  I can spend time with my kids and not be tempted to say something degrading about him to them.  Its like I've got my sanity back.

Too bad there isn't a pill that will take me back in time, before all this mess.

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