Therapy. I'm in therapy. I don't think I ever really thought I would find myself there but .... ergh ... here I am.
I didn't make it to the twenty year mark, my marriage is over. I'm seriously sad about that. But as my therapist and I have been discussing, I need to only focus on the things I can control. Things that have to do directly with me. Its hard, but I am doing it.
And I'm waiting. Although not very patiently these days. I keep being cautioned about "being too hasty". And its true. I've done several things I'm not proud of in the last month but they were born out of hurt and frustration. I guess in a way therapy is good like that. It reaffirms that what is happening isn't my fault (entirely) and the steps I took to help prevent what is happening, even right now, weren't my steps to take. Each of us has our own path and until you reach the bottom, you won't ever come up.
I spent years preventing that spiral downward and I think in the back of the deepest recesses of my mind, I knew. I knew I couldn't stop this. I knew that all it would take is enough anger to bring it back into the light.
I know its cryptic. But trust me, its bad and sad and hurt and confusion, all mixed up into an angry ball of emotion for me. Right now.
So writing out my feelings is what I'm doing here. Partly public. If anyone even still reads here. But I need an outlet and I'm too lazy to start yet another blog. Besides, Pleading really fits my life.
My new life. Because who knows what tomorrow will bring. Even in my darkest days, I know I can make it my own, maybe that was part of the problem too.
Who knows. I will never know. The one person who could give me answers won't. I can only control things that have to do with me. And I know I tried. Years, I tried. YEARS.
I didn't make it to the twenty year mark, my marriage is over. I'm seriously sad about that. But as my therapist and I have been discussing, I need to only focus on the things I can control. Things that have to do directly with me. Its hard, but I am doing it.
And I'm waiting. Although not very patiently these days. I keep being cautioned about "being too hasty". And its true. I've done several things I'm not proud of in the last month but they were born out of hurt and frustration. I guess in a way therapy is good like that. It reaffirms that what is happening isn't my fault (entirely) and the steps I took to help prevent what is happening, even right now, weren't my steps to take. Each of us has our own path and until you reach the bottom, you won't ever come up.
I spent years preventing that spiral downward and I think in the back of the deepest recesses of my mind, I knew. I knew I couldn't stop this. I knew that all it would take is enough anger to bring it back into the light.
I know its cryptic. But trust me, its bad and sad and hurt and confusion, all mixed up into an angry ball of emotion for me. Right now.
So writing out my feelings is what I'm doing here. Partly public. If anyone even still reads here. But I need an outlet and I'm too lazy to start yet another blog. Besides, Pleading really fits my life.
My new life. Because who knows what tomorrow will bring. Even in my darkest days, I know I can make it my own, maybe that was part of the problem too.
Who knows. I will never know. The one person who could give me answers won't. I can only control things that have to do with me. And I know I tried. Years, I tried. YEARS.
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